Tiny Houses

We all have those things that make us irrationally angry. For me, it’s tiny houses. More specifically, the people that buy them on tiny house TV shows. And there is always a tiny house show on at some point on some channel. There’s one on now. I’m watching it. And I’m furious.

It’s always the same narrative. “We want to downsize and live the simple life!” And then they try to cram a family of 4 into 103 square feet. Really? You want to take a dump on a toilet that can mathematically be no further than 8 feet away from the other three members of your family at any given time? There’s one bed. When do you plan on

This is what came up when I searched shutterstock for “tiny house.” Fuck it.

having sex with your wife? Where the fuck is your teenage son going to sleep? You guys all just going to get all cozy and then pretend to be passed out while he beats off over the rail of the loft onto the single square foot of floor space below?

Now, it would all be well and good if there was reasoning I could get behind. Like, “Hey, we’re going to save money for six months and learn some life lessons by living in a cheap RV for the summer.” But it’s not like that. It’s never like that. These things cost a fortune, and that’s what really pisses me off. The tiny house on the episode I’m watching right now costs $68,000. What!! And comes with no property!! And because there’s no land, the woman that bought it is parking it in her parent’s driveway until she finds a better place!! Are you fucking kidding me? Who the fuck pays $68,000 to keep living with their parents. You stay with your folks because you fucked up real bad and don’t have any other goddamn options or because you’re sacrificing your sanity to save money for something huge like a house, not because you’re rich enough to spend the better part of a hundred grand on a coat closet that someone convinced you can hold your entire life as well.

“Hey mom and dad, I’m back!”
“What! We kicked you out. What happened to that 70 grand we gave you to put down on a house?”
“I spent it all on a shed to live in your driveway!”

The only silver lining with this is I suspect we’re only a few years away from never having to see these damn shows again. That’s about how long it will take for every single family to either give up and buy a real house with at least one door you can slam when you’re angry or brutally kill each other from going insane from not having a place in the entire “house” they can retreat to that’s far enough away to not hear each other’s every single bodily function like their colons are mic’d up like Ryan Seacrest on New Year’s Eve.